1. “No, Sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

2. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

3. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

4. “Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In the case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”

5. “Take your hands off the car, or I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”

6. “Just how big were those two beers?”

7. “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

8. “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention I am the shift supervisor?”

9. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them a while.”

10. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.”